I have had a lot of my friends near and far experiencing heartbreak within the past few months. My advice before you invest your feelings please take time to talk and make sure you are on the same page with the person you are dating. Sometimes what we cling to tightest is what we most desperately need to let go. Heartbreak can be a prerequisite for fulfillment. I know what it is like to have my heartbroken, and I know we can’t rush healing, but we make it welcome.
Dear Mr. Gatson,
I’m not sure if this is the right email to send this to. Feel free to correct me if not. Below is my entry/ question to your blog.
I’ve gone out on a few dates this year and each time I’ve noticed a few small things. For example, one gentleman I noticed when I ask him questions he’s a bit vague with his answers. I called him out on it and he said “I don’t come out and say a lot in the beginning” I replied “I’m not asking you anything too personal just some things to assist me in getting to know you better” He acted like I was attempting to access VIP passes into his traumatic childhood (not sure if his childhood was traumatic, just saying). There was another instance where I noticed a guy’s phone in big bold print read “19 new messages”. To me, that says you have too much going. Although I do not know what the messages said or any other information regarding them but he’s also inconsistent with follow-ups such as texts and returning calls. I do not jump at every opportunity to “call them out” I mostly keep my “findings” to myself. I acknowledge the fact that I think a lot and it causes me to sometimes over think things. I also, give up on people too quick. I just refuse to be that girl that overlooks something and swear I did not see it coming. I can’t deal with the foolishness and games. What is this all about? Am I looking too much into this or are these nuggets of information good to keep in the back of my mind? Should I consider all these red flags? Help a sistah out. 🙂
Dear Ms. Dating Investigator,
Dating allows you the opportunity to get to know someone better instead of jumping into a relationship. It is an investment that you are making if you plan on having a long term relationship. When you take time to be respectful and trusting someone while dating is when things evolve into a natural relationship of getting to know the person. You do not need to be aggressive with dating; it should be an enjoyable experience.
Initially when you start dating someone it is the time to get to know someone before getting into a relationship. Getting to know the person and who they really are is very valuable. When getting to know someone it is important to listen with empathy, confide your needs in a caring and positive manner. Personally I am very private about my personal and intimate details. Some things I am not willing to discuss with people I am meeting for the first time. A few examples of things that I am not willing to share when I first meet someone: details about my personal life, sexual questions, family, and my finances. Yes, to know someone well requires communication, and consistency.
This week I was giving a friend some advice on how guys like to have a conversation with a woman and being treated as well. It is important to be congruent in conversing with a minimum of hidden messages. You have to think about others feelings and rights before you speak. Yes, you want to be assertive, and honest with him. But you do not want to say or ask things that will hurt them. Your communication styles impact on how others interact with them. Identify which communication pattern below you are using when you are addressing him.
Now for Mr. 19 messages I would say maybe he has a lot of family and friends and a very demanding career that doesn’t allow him to respond to everyone, but you stated that he has a habit of not responding to text, and returning phone calls. Human nature, we do more non-verbal communications than verbal communications, so follow their actions. This is the most significant. Pay attention to their facial expressions, responses, and reactions to certain questions and situations. It is important to recognize patterns in ourselves and others and how they keep us disconnected.
A close friend of mine told me the other night that I needed to start detaching. Detaching requires that you get your ego disentangled from his emotions and especially from his actions and their results. It requires that you allow him to deal with the consequences of his behavior; you don’t save him from any of his pain. You will continue to care about him, but you don’t take care of him. You allow him to find his own way, just as you are working to find yours. Learning to say and do nothing has been a learning experience for me. Stop managing and controlling him means not helping and not giving advice. It requires learning to say nothing and do nothing. It means stop watching. Pay less attention to your personal life. As long as you are focused on changing someone over whom you are powerless (and we are all powerless over changing anyone but ourselves). Nobody will ever change in the face of pressure.
Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings
Questions I would like for you to think about: What can you anticipate if you become more appropriately assertive in your communication? Are you ready to date? Are you dating for a purpose? If so what is the purpose?
Types of Communication Communication Type: Assertive Behavior: Straight forward, honest and direct expression of needs, thoughts, and feelings. Typical Result: Respect of self and other resulting in greater likeliness of message of being heard. Communication Type: Aggressive Behavior: Expression of needs, thoughts, and feelings that are done in such a way as to control the exchange of information. Typical Result: Lack of respect for the other party and less likely those expressions will be heard in a productive manner. Communication Type: Non-Assertive Behavior: expression of needs, thoughts, or feelings in such a way that others take priority or no expression of needs, thoughts or emotions. Typical Result: Your concerns are ignored if heard at all.
Safe topics to discuss when you first meet someone: Values ,Friends, Surface questions about family, Marriage, Children, Morals, Goals, and Hobbies.
If you have a question please send them to Michael.D.Gatson@gmail.com and include askdrdoobie in the subject. New blog coming soon: Reasons why I maybe single……
Dear Michael D. Gatson,
We are approaching Valentines and I am still single. My family and friends are pressuring me about getting married and starting a family. I haven’t had the best of luck with relationships in the past and as a result I have a pattern of discounting others when they give me compliments. I have several people asking me out on dates but I am a little scared. What advice do you have for someone who desires to be loved by someone special?
It’s important that you do not look for love and learn to be patient. Patience is a virtue! Let love find you by immersing yourself into activities that bring you happiness. When you are participating in something that makes you happy you will become more approachable. If you’re out doing your thing, (odds are) you’ll find someone to love who will have plenty of things in common with you. Whether you’re single or not, making friends is important. If you are single, sometimes building your social circle means expanding the opportunity to meet new people.
Always be loyal
Always be honest
Know your value- when you learn how much you are worth, you will stop giving people discounts. Your time is valuable. Be careful who you invest your time.
Free yourself from negative people
Pay attention to your relationship with yourself. No matter what your hang-ups and insecurities are getting over them should be priority over finding a man. Work on yourself; don’t look for someone to fix all of your problems. I find that when we really love and accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works.
Stay in touch with the people who matter in your life.
Remain positive about yourself, instead of engaging in negative “self-talk”.
Regret nothing, not even your failures. Take in the richness of only today because to carry any more will only weigh you down.
Do not look backwards
Treat people how you want to be treated
It’s important to listen
Keep your promises
Learn to give without expecting
Leave petty arguments alone
Say what you mean and mean what you say
It’s important to forgive people and not hold grudges.
Learn to accept people just as they are and do not try and change them.
Don’t expect too much too soon from someone you’re dating.
Give new relationships proper time to develop and don’t rush it.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if money really did grow on trees? Money is a common source of friction in relationships, particularly in today’s difficult financial times. When left untreated, money problems may damage the trust and understanding necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. In some cases, financial disagreements may even lead to separation or divorce. Some examples of money matters that can cause a couple to fight:
- When there is a financial crisis and you are not sure which bills are priorities over the other bills.
- Some couples argue over how money should be spent. Do you want to save for a house? Are you in a relationship with someone who is content with renting forever?
- One of the individuals in the relationship continues to spend money without thinking about it and the other person wants to save for a rainy day. Are you a spender or a saver? If you’re in a relationship with a person whose money style is your opposite, you will continue to have problems in the future.
- One of the individuals in the relationship is not truthful about their finances. Does one partner make more money? Substantially more? Oftentimes, when one partner earns substantially more money, that partner feels entitled to control the money. And the other partner often feels undeserving of control, or less worthy due to lower income.
My advice to solve your relationship problems is this:
Communication: First, you must both agree to talk over all money issues in a positive way. Be willing to listen and keep an open mind. There’s no place for judgment, name-calling, and anger. At times, our emotions about other issues manifest around money. Our financial behaviors are so deeply ingrained, they can be hard to explain, much less change, but you have to try if you want your relationship to work.
Plan: How are you going to manage your finances and your relationship going forward? Create a plan so that you both agree how often you will handle money in the future. Make a plan and then follow through.
Action: If necessary, set up separate bank accounts so that you each can handle money your own way. Many couples set up a joint account to which each contributes, along with accounts that each person funds and controls separately. Some couples dispense with the joint account and make arrangements to split expenses. If one of you is a saver and the other a spender, find the mid-point where you’re both happy. Do whatever works for you. If you are still struggling, then get some help from a financial planner.
Prior to marriage, many of us had to answer only to ourselves. A major shift occurs as we began our married life—we are now accountable to each other. You can decide to defuse the drama and make money just another thing you share with your partner. Money can secure happiness, but it can’t create it.
How do you work through financial problems with your significant other? Share your comments below!